How To Cope When You've Learned Your Spouse Is Unfaithful

You just realized that your spouse has been unfaithful and cheated on you. The news of the infidelity has hit you like a ton of bricks.
You have hope that your marriage can survive your spouse cheating on you, but you still fill sick inside when you think about the affair.
You probably want to know why your partner cheated, but there is no simple answer to why someone becomes unfaithful. It could be a symptom of other problems in your marriage, it could relate to something in your spouse's past, or it could be totally unrelated to you or to your marriage. You may never truly know why it happened.
Here's what you can do to get beyond the hurt, forgive your unfaithful spouse, and save your marriage.

Difficulty: Hard
Time Required: Long Time
Here's How:

1. Don't make any major decisions about ending your marriage now just because your spouse has been unfaithful. This is the time to do some reflection on your marriage to see what other issues other than this infidelity need to be recognized and dealt with.
2. Feelings are neither right or wrong. Accept that your feelings of rage, uncertainty, shock, agitation, fear, pain, depression and confusion about having an unfaithful spouse are normal.
3. Take care of yourself. You may have some physical reactions to the infidelity such as nausea, diarrhea, sleep problems (too little or too much), shakiness, difficulting concentrating and not wanting to eat or binge eating.
4. Balance is the key to getting through this experience of coping with infidelity. Force yourself to eat healthy foods, to stay on a schedule, to sleep regular hours, to get some exercise each day, to drink plenty of water, and to have some fun.
5. It's okay and healthy to laugh. Watch some funny movies or TV shows. Spend some time with people who make you smile. Life goes on in spite of heartache and unfaithful spouses.
6. Tears are healthy too. If they aren't coming naturally, put on some blues type music or watch a sad movie.
7. Begin a journal. Write down your thoughts and feelings about your spouse's unfaithfulness.
8. Ask all the questions you want.Talk with your spouse about the infidelity. However, you may have to accept that your spouse may not know why the infidelity took place or may not want to reveal this to you.
9. Seek counseling. Don't try to get through coping with unfaithfulness alone. However, don't shout from the highest mountain to all you know that your spouse is an unfaithful jerk. Pick with care who you will share this information with. Knowing the type of infidelity sometimes makes understanding it easier and counseling can help get answers to questions. Was it a one-night stand or an affair? Due to a mid-life or life crisis? A sexual addiction or an act of retaliation? Did the cheating occur to end the marriage?
10. Take it one day at a time. Both you and your spouse should be tested for AIDS/HIVS and STD's before you resume sexual intimacy without protection. Consider what boundaries you need in your marriage in order to stay in the marriage. Contact an attorney and get these documented in a postnuptual agreement.
11. Your children need to know that you are going to be okay. You can't hide the fact that you are going through a trauma. Be honest with your children, but don't weigh them down with details about how your spouse cheated on you. Don't make promises that you can't keep.
12. Try not to get into the blaming game over who or what caused the infidelity. It's just wasted energy. That includes blaming the third party. It won't change anything. Also, think twice before you tell your family or your spouse's family about the infidelity. Family members can often hold grudges a long time.
13. You may have post-traumatic stress. If you are jumpy, yell at trivial actions, feel like you are walking on egg shells, and continue to have physical reactions when you are reminded of the infidelity, see a physician as soon as you can.
14. It takes time to get beyond the pain of having an unfaithful mate. Don't expect the mixture of feelings, the sense of confusion and limbo, and the mistrust to go away just because you've tried to forgive your spouse and made a commitment to save your marriage. The stages of death and dying (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) are part of the grieving process. It doesn't mean your marriage can't be renewed and strengthened, because it can. But it will be different. Remember that your marriage has changed. You will need to grieve that loss.
    
15. Get practical. Look at your finances, housing situation, transportation, etc. If you do decide to end your marriage, make sure you have thought out where you will live, if you have enough money to pay for your essentials, etc.

How To Rebuild Trust in Your Marriage

When infidelity, lies or broken promises invade your marriage, the trust between husband and wife is severely damaged. However, this doesn't mean that the marital relationship can't be saved.
Rebuilding trust in your marriage can be difficult when your spouse has done something to break that trust. Here are a few suggestions and help.

Difficulty: Hard
Time Required: Varies
Here's How:

1. Make a decision to love by trying to let go of the past. Stop obsessing about the situation which broke the trust between you and your spouse.
2. Decide to forgive or to be forgiven.
3. If you are the one in your marriage who lied, cheated, etc. show that the errant behavior is gone by changing your behaviors. That means no more secrets, lies, infidelity, etc.
4. Together, set specific goals for getting your marriage back on track.
5. To rebuild the trust in your marriage, both of you must renew your commitment to your marriage and one another.
6. The wounded spouse must share the pain. The other spouse must acknowledge the hurt caused by the devastating experience of being lied to or cheated on.
7. Listen completely to one another and with your heart, not just your head.
8. Be honest.
9. Avoid using words that can trigger conflict. Use non-blaming 'I' statements and don't say always, must, never, or should.
10. Take responsibility for your own actions and decisions.
11. Be open to seeking counseling to have a better understanding into what caused the trust to be broken.
12. Remind one another that you each deserve open and honest answers to your questions about the affair or betrayal.

Tips:

1. Recognize that rebuilding trust takes time. It won't happen over night.
2. It's okay to remember the incidents and the betrayal. You may not forget what happened, but the pain will eventually go away.
3. Be aware of your feelings and share your feelings with one another.

What You Need:

• Time
• Patience
• Honesty
• Commitment to your marriage
• Love
• Forgiveness

An Ex Call Girl’s Take on Fifty Shades

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23Feb, 2015

An Ex Call Girl’s  Take  on Fifty Shades

• Ashley Scarbrough
• Hot Topics, Seconds, The Blog

Clearly, Fifty Shades’
mastermind E.L. James is not an expert on dominance and submission. Yet
her books and now the movie based on the books glamorize that lifestyle
to millions across the globe.


I first encountered the BDSM lifestyle when I received a request from
my escort agency to fill a call for a dominatrix role. The phone girl
didn’t have anyone to fill this request and asked if I would do it.


At this point in my life, I had been sex trafficked, beaten profusely
by my pimp, and finally left him for good. My pimp would beat me and
then force me to have sex with him. I never enjoyed the pain—rather I
was completely freaked out, afraid, emotionally and physically hurt.
This behavior never turned me on; I was completely disgusted by it.


I was pretty bitter from the abuse that I experienced from my sex
trafficker and in revenge mode on men. Greedy and hungry to finally be
in control–I was curious and wanted to see what this BDSM lifestyle was
all about, so I decided to take the call and try my hand at being the
dominant. I demanded money and did what was expected of me, channeling
“Fallen,” my sex industry name and call girl persona.


What a twist of fate and irony—the severely abused now becoming an abuser and getting paid to do it.


Many of my clients were obsessed with me and continued to call,
because in their minds, a fantasy love/relationship had started. As this
progressed, I got to know many of them and asked why they enjoyed BDSM.
The answers varied: as “a way to let off steam”and “to let go of
control”


Some described mother-to-son abusive relationships, physical and
sexual relationships with other men, and a handful of important CEOs
explained the need to surrender the control they had over others running
their stressful companies.


With many of my clients, the more they practiced BDSM, the more
intensity they wanted. And like a drug, they were never satisfied—they
always wanted a more severe beating. Once they tried one thing, they
wanted to explore another. That’s where it got really scary for me. What
if they end up getting really hurt?


In all of my experience over the years with these men, one thing
stands true: underlying their desire to be dominated was a deep-seated
hunger and need for love. Many times their sexual desires stemmed from
childhood abuse. They wanted to be cared for, watched for, disciplined,
and admired. Just like a child.


I believe these men were looking for love through BDSM, and missing
the mark—and this is why it never satisfied. Real Love doesn’t dominate.
Love doesn’t push. Love’s intent isn’t to create pain. Love’s intent is
to create a relationship of peace, safety and security, emotionally and
relationally when it comes to intimacy. We know from 1 Corinthians
13:4-7 that:


“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it
is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not
delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always
trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”


When you cross the line and hurt someone emotionally and physically,
it throws unknowns into the picture: a loss of security, a loss of
trust, a loss of honor, a loss of commitment. Broken vows. If you are
willing to hurt me physically and emotionally, what else are you willing
to do to me? And if I ask you to stop—will you?


BDSM blurs these lines of love. It turns them upside down, and it
teaches what we thought was love to become boring and old fashioned,
while what we once thought was abuse is sold off as exciting and erotic.
These thought processes in the wrong hands can lead us down treacherous
roads of accepting abuse as the norm. Normalizing abuse is not the
answer to our pain, and it eventually leads to a darker road of more
severe abuses.


Spoiler alert: In Fifty Shades Of Grey, Christian Grey was a
scared and lonely child who witnessed the murder of his sex-trafficked
mother at the hands of her pimp. At 15, he was sexually abused by a
woman who taught him the BDSM lifestyle, redirecting his drinking habits
and anger issues from his childhood. He eventually becomes a dominant,
finds a female who he dominates, humiliates, and by the end of the three
books, he marries her, has children with, and together they live
happily ever after.


But the roots of his childhood abuse are not dealt with; instead they are excused as the reason for his dominance.


Can someone find true love and happiness while participating in this
lifestyle? According to E.L. James they can. But as she’s admitted, she
is no BDSM expert, and this story was written as fiction, not truth.


Realistically—are there happy endings? From my personal experience,
no. Should you read the books and go and see the movie? Will it enrich
your life if you do?


I am not here to tell you what to do, only to give you the truth that I experienced and to remind you that while Fifty Shades glamorizes BDSM this story is 100% fiction. Fifty Shades of Grey
didn’t enrich my life; it only revealed a very broken society desperate
for answers and relief from pain deep inside their souls.


By Annie Lobert


Annie Lobert is a former high-class escort, a sex trafficking survivor, wife to Oz Fox of Stryper, and the author of Fallen (February 2015).


To watch her I am Second film, click here

5 Truths to Help You Stay on the Right Path

1.  There is a path of Life.

"You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore" (Psalm 16:11).

If there's a path of "life," you can bet there's a path of "death" or destruction. One of the best ways to know which path you're on is by your measure of peace.

When you think of joy, you might first picture someone ecstatic, jumping up and down in delight for some reason. But joy comes in many packages, and one of the best is in the form of sheer peace.

What a joy to have no fear. God has promised to show us the path of life. So first question to ask yourself: Am I in peace and joy?

If not, you're not on the right path.

2.  God's name is at stake.

"He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake" (Psalm 23:3).

Notice it's "for His name's sake" that you and I are led in paths of righteousness.

This whole blog is dedicated to helping you understand the many aspects of God's righteousness and His view of you and I. But never forget, it always goes back to Him.

As Christians (children of God), we represent Him in this world. We are the light shining on the dark side of the world. So all the more why God would want to lead us in paths of righteousness and not destruction.

If you're life is headed in a wrong direction, God didn't lead you there. He's not trying to teach you a lesson. God's desire is for you to be on HIS PATH for HIS NAME'S SAKE.

3.  The exits off the wrong road are full of mercy.

"All the paths of the Lord are mercy and truth, to such as keep His covenant and His testimonies" (Psalm 25:10).

No matter how turned around you get, or how far down the wrong road you find yourself, the exit back is full of mercy.

Maybe in the natural, you took the wrong road and someone in the car yelled at you, but that's not how God operates. The Holy Spirit is a voice of compassion, not condemnation.

When you realize you're headed the wrong way, find the nearest exit and don't be afraid. God is merciful and ever-ready to help you get turned around.

4.  We need the guidelines enforced.

"Make me walk in the path of Your commandments, for I delight in it" (Psalm 119:35).

When we were children, it was rebellious to say, "Make me." But in real life, we forget that all the guidelines are set up for our protection.

Think about a highway with the speed signs, yield signs, or stop lights. You might be mad if a police officer pulls you over for turning when it wasn't your turn, but on the other hand, you might be grateful if these same rules keep someone from crashing into you (and your babies) in their negligence, right?

In the same way, it's a good thing when God puts a little pressure on us to do right. I personally want Him to "make me" more like Him and keep me on the path of life. And so should you.

5.  The path is clear when His Word is known.

"If you receive my words... Then you will understand righteousness and justice, equity and every good path" (Proverbs 2:1,9).

The only security we have for staying on the right path is our adherence to God's Word.

It has the unique ability to show us where we erred. It continually reminds us of God's unfailing love and promise to help us in our time of need.

His Word keeps us on the path of everlasting life, and as a bonus, uses our "light" to show others the way also.

But only if we receive and keep it...